A Comedy of Spam

LXer Feature: 29-Dec-2006 You know, I hate to give spam any credence whatsoever, but some of it just too funny to pass up.

Today, I got an e-mail addressed to the LXer editors, to the effect of "we couldn't find your website." The author(s) were apparently concerned that, since they couldn't find us, neither could our customers. Given that LXer drew over 12,000 unique visits on Christmas Day, and our average is even higher, I just want to ask them where they went looking for us? I don't know if they can find us over at BabySearch.com (don't know if that really exists), or some other specialized search engines, but our customers seem to be finding us just fine.

While I'm on the topic, I even spam myself these days. Why, I usually send myself at least 10 messages a day trying to sell myself sexual aids, herbs and even sending myself winning lottery notices! I love sending myself winning lottery ticket notices - it makes me feel good, even if only for a moment. I even make sure to Lottery notices from Russian, Chinese, and Eritrean lotteries, just to make sure I never run out of winning tickets. Oh, that's right. It's not tickets - my e-mail account won. The irony is that my e-mail account gets richer while I keep getting poorer.

And don't you just love the foreign language spam? I mean really, doesn't everyone speak Slavic? Yes, I, the great Don Parris can speak more languages than that android on Star Trek - what's his name? I'm surprised I haven't gotten spammed in Romulan or ewok-ian (Star Wars). Obviously, some people have entirely too much time on their hands. Honestly, given my circumstances, I spend most of my time writing and working on other projects to keep my family afloat. I barely have time to kiss my wife goodnight as I get home from work and start the next project.

If spammers are making such big bucks off of their spam, the least they could do is contribute a few thousand bucks to the "Save the Parris Family Foundation". In fact, that ought to be what the government does with spam money - donate the fines and other penalties to the poor, hungry, huddled masses. At least that way, we can turn something evil into something good. I know, I'm just ranting. O.k., I'm "thru" ranting now.