LXer cookbook: Convince your boss you need a new desktop

LXer Feature: 22-Apr-2007 OK, that's it. You had it. When running a CAD-application, it takes more than 330 msec to move 30 000 polylines, compiling OpenOffice from scratch takes more than half an hour, Firefox won't open all existing 86 010 LXer stories at once in seperate tabs anymore, you can't run all OpenBSD versions from 2.2 to 3.9 in VMware at the same time anymore to look for differences, TuxRacer only makes 2 frames per day... And worst, your neigbour running Windows98 does his job fine using his i1/2-86, an ancient predecessor of the i286. You're all fed up with it. But your desktop/server/laptop, whatever it is because it doesn't matter, still looks brand new. Now, what to do to convince your non-tech savvy boss, which would be beaten by your death grandma in a nerd-quiz, that you really need that quadcore dual Opteron SLI triple---whell-everything dual system?

Now, send away everyone in the room, especially your boss, remove all eavesdropping devices from your room, free some time (Stop playing Quake3!) and pay attention, because here's a free recipe for you. Yes, the quickest way to get that smells-like-polished-Alu >400 Watt foot-heater.

Ingredients: 1 just-looks-too-new desktop 1 pack of tobacco (brand isn't important, probably something cheap) 5 L of decaf-coffee 1 L soda, anything slimy will do 5 microwave-meals 1 microwave 500 grams of dust, find it behind your desk or under your bed 3 L beige paint 1 bottle ketchup 17 very little knots or coins 12 little screws 100 grams mold 13 post-it thingies 1 ironsaw 1 roll industrial grade adhesive tape 1 very little plier 1 illegal piece of Windows(TM)98 1 pair of scissors 1 sledgehammers 2 little spiders 2 flies 1 whizkidd (scriptkiddie-grade) 1 small bathtub 1 mortarmixer 1 stupid boss

Optional Lots of Linux / Unix viruses, very rear and hard to find, maybe look in the woods 1 /usr/share/keymaps/i386/dvorak/dvorak-l 1 /dev/urandom + ~/.profile 1 root password; more will also do! 1 beaver, if that's not a protected species in your country 1 piece, but only if you're with the NRA!

Ok, if you have all the ingredients, the recipe is as straightforward as effective.

1) Collect all ingredients 2) Burn the tobacco, save the ashes 3) Prepare the microwave meals, at least twenty minutes too long 4) Throw the ashes of the tobacco, the microwave meals, the soda, 3 L coffee, dust, 3 screws, 7 knots / coins and ketchup in the bathtub 5) Mix it with your blender, call the result 'Compound A' 6) Take three spoons of compound A and mix it with the beige paint, and mix it using the mortar mixer 7) /usr/bin/at (Ehhrm, I mean, add) the mold to Compound A, let compound
A rest till the mold has reproduced enough i.e. is all over compound A. This may take some time. Therefore, we reserved the other 2 L coffee. 8) Use your beige paint - polluted with some compound A - to paint all devices beige 9) Throw the knots, coins, screws, flies and spiders you have in your desktop-case. Make sure it rattles. Wait for the spiders to make their webs. The flies will make the spiders survive for some time, so more webs will be compiled in your case. 10) Let the whizkidd overclock your computer. You shouldn't offer a Happy-Meal(TM) for overclocking it less than 80%. 11) Install Windows 98(TM) on a spair partition. By doing so, Windows will 'touch' all other partitions (Reiserfs, ext2/3, doesn't bother) as well - even if it doesn't' need and use these, thereby losing some of your music and other important files. This is based on own experience. 12) Use the sledgehammer to crush some corners of your devices. Close the using the adhesive tape. Created garbage can be added to compound A. This is where you need the scissors (to cut the tape, duh!). Use the ironsaw if needed. 13) Use the plier to bend some of the pins of your sockets. They should be fairly unusable after you're done. 14) Paint all end-user devices with Compound A. Make sure it ends up in all small gaps and holes too, like between the buttons oy your keyboard. 15) In all shells, do a 'setxkbmap dvorak-l' (Dvorak-lefthanded).
Sure to convince stupid people your desktop is broke. 16) Let it dry, wait till it 'Smells like LANparty-spirit'. 17) Do an 'echo head -n 20000 /dev/urandom >> ~/.profile'.
(Disclaimer: Yes, that one may be a bit cryptic; don't try this at home if you don't understand it)

Optional: Let the beavers chew your wires, give your rootpw to the wizzkid,
use the piece to make some nice holes (only if you're with the NRA!), and unleash the virusses. Be sure to
remove mold before unleashing viruses, it is a biological fact these two can't live at the same place.

18) Get your stupid boss. Show him the cobwebs, rattle the case, make him smell, make him open a shell, let him type his name (dvorak-l, huh?), and if this doesn't convince him, make him try to work with your desktop while he's listening some mp3's.

Now, if he still doesn't want to give you a new computer, you probably haven't been
nice kissing his bottom the last few years!

Good luck!